Monday, 1 February 2016

The Mummy Garmin

I'm sorry I've been quiet on the blogging front this past few weeks.  The reason is that I've been getting into running again.  I'm a bit obsessed in fact.  If I'm not running then I'm thinking about running, browsing running gear online or admiring my running stats.  Yes, I am that annoying friend on Facebook, who is always posting Map My Run updates.

So much so that for Christmas I asked for, and received, a running watch.  It's my pride and joy and a useful piece of kit to boot.  And, over the past month or so my running has started to improve.  My new running watch has shown me where I've been going wrong.

I think that's fantastic, but what about other areas of my life that could do with some improvement? Garmin should totally make a version for mums, to help us manage and improve our days.  It would be a sure fire hit. I mean, everybody knows how us mums are only happy when we're being told exactly how to better ourselves, or when we have a set of statistics to measure our own performance by...

So I give you, the Mummy Garmin.

It has the following features:

1.   Timing

How quickly can you do the school run, the vacuuming, a whole basket full of ironing?  The Mummy Garmin not only records your time but alerts you when you have a new personal best, encouraging you to aim high at all times. Reach for the stars people - or at least reach for another pair of school trousers to iron more quickly.  Download the app and then add your results to our leader boards, compete with your friends and win prizes absolutely nothing at all.

Work it, baby!  This is a bedroom vacuuming PB!

2.  Pace/Splits

While runners may be interested in which mile or kilometre was their best, or which one is always the slowest to help improve their overall performance, the Mummy Garmin will tell you which portion of you day you are best at and which needs more work. Get your split times for Breakfast, getting dressed, the school run, the housework, doing the weekly shop and, the toughest of them all, the bath time/bedtime routine (which let's face it is like running a marathon most nights).

3.  Heart Rate Monitor

Add the optional heart rate monitor so that the Mummy Garmin can keep track of your heart rate during your daily tasks.  Toddler having a meltdown?  School gate parking getting on your nerves?  Teenager refusing to do their homework (again)?  Once your heart rate exceeds the maximum acceptable level, the Mummy Garmin will alert you so that you can calm yourself down with a nice gin and tonic.  Oh yes.

I am dangerously close to my maximum heart rate, honest...

4.  Calorie Tracking

Ever wondered how many calories you burn up during the usual menial essential tasks?  Fear not!  The Mummy Garmin has this covered too.  Not only does it count how many calories burnt while carrying out such physical activity as changing a toddler's nappy or fishing out hair clips and squashed raisins from the gap down the back of the sofa, it also tells you how many squares of chocolate you can safely have to replace them.  Forget complicated calorie conversions and never put on weight again, genius!

A handful of hair clips from down the back of the sofa = all this chocolate?  Ace!

5.  Notifications

Fed up of forgetting things on the school run?  Always missing important messages?  The Mummy Garmin has a helpful email, text and call notifications feature.  About to leave for school again without the appropriate dressing up costume... Ding! The Mummy Garmin alerts you with a direct message to it's screen.  After-school clubs cancelled...Ding!  The Mummy Garmin sends the text straight to your wrist. Includes optional Parentmail screening, helping you weed out the communications that you deem irrelevant, such as Boxercise classes in the school hall, anything PTA related, and texts from teenagers complaining that they've forgotten to bring their PE Kit/Calculator to school (want me to bail you out again?  Tough luck).

Ahh, thanks Mummy Garmin, you've made me look less crap forgetful

As you can see the Mummy Garmin is a tool to help you parent faster, better and more efficiently while keeping your well-being in mind, then presenting it in a handy graph for you to obsess over for few hours until bedtime, when you think "Holy Crap!  I've got to do this all over again tomorrow!  What is the point of all these numbers?"  Kind of like a regular fitness tracker really.

Oh and sleep tracking?  Don't make me laugh.  We all know that there'd be no point in that. #whatis8hoursunbrokensleepexactly

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