Thursday, 17 December 2015

Dear Christmas

Dear Christmas

I know you are not a real person, more of a feeling, a season, an event, but I thought that I'd just drop you a line or two regarding some "house rules" before you visit us next week.

The thing is, your arrival seems to turn my family bonkers, for want of a better word, and I'm getting a bit fed up of it.  I feel we need to get a few things straight.

Firstly, can we just agree that you won't ask my children to help decorate the house/tree this year?  I am planning to do that on my own, while they are all at school and I can arrange the lights and baubles just how I like them, in a symmetrical and not at all OCD kind of way, and not all on the same one branch right at the bottom.  You and I both know it will look better that way and avoid the start of WW3 when one twin gets to put the star on the top and the other doesn't.

Also, while we're on the subject of decorations, did you have to get the twins' class to make Yule Logs again?  It would have been OK if they had been the chocolatey eat-me-up kind of logs but no, these are actual logs, covered in tinsel and other glittery shit.  What person in their right mind wants that in their home? I know I'm supposed to like the things my children make for me at school, but in reality?  These logs are, um, grotesque unique (why does nobody understand that I'd like a matching colour scheme this year?).  It seems a bit unfair that I have to pretend to like them and then accidentally lose them before next Christmas, or else be faced with displaying them every year thereafter.  (This is why edible chocolate logs are better you see.)  To make matters worse they come topped with a real candle - fire hazard, much?

Yule Logs (in case anyone was wondering)

Do you always have to bring glitter with you when you visit?  FFS.  The suction from a thousand Dysons could not remove that from my stair carpet, which is lovely as it is, minus the glitter.  It has only been a few weeks since I managed to remove the final of your sparkly traces from last year, so please can you arrive glitter free?  If you must bring anything shiny, can it be tin foil?  I need some for the turkey and think I may have missed it off my ever growing list of things I need to buy but probably don't need. *sigh*

I know you always bring plenty of chocolate.  That's good.  It might be nice if you didn't encourage my children to eat the entire contents of their stockings before breakfast.  One, as I've mentioned before, this makes them bonkers, and two, I have better things to do than clear up chocolate sick on the big day.  Thanks.

The Queen and her speech.  Do we really have to?  I mean really?  Why can't she just upload to YouTube instead, I mean, if it's good enough for Zoella?  At least that way we'd be able to leave the TV off, maybe even have a conversation with one another, rather than being sucked into *that speech* followed by yet another Disney classic (which seems to make grown men feel the need to take a nap rather than doing the washing up).  I'd like that.

Lastly, could you mention to the relatives that just because you've arrived that doesn't mean that we need additional help that is akin to the war effort?  Christmas lunch is just a roast dinner and and extra three guests does not require an all hands to the pump kind of approach with regards to vegetable peeling and table setting.  Also, please let everyone know that frozen sprouts are fine (Marco Pierre White says so) and that they do not ever need to be crossed. Ta.

Other than the above I'm so looking forward to your annual visit.  I see you've left some presents with my name on them in the bottom of the wardrobe but I promise not to peep.

Yours festively

Philippa xxx


  1. hehehe....I seriously don't get Yule Logs! My youngest has said we have to make one but I've so far put her off.
    Have a merry Christmas!

    1. I don't blame you (but the chocolate kind are OK). This morning I found glitter on my pillow and we don't even have any decorations out yet! I swear these things are sent to try me.

      Merry Christmas to you to Kim. xx :)


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