Friday, 20 November 2015

The Apprentice - Stay at Home Mum Edition

Der, de, der, de, der, der, der, de, der, de, der, de, derrrrr!

We are big fans of The Apprentice here.  I loved this weeks' episode which was filmed up here in the glorious North West (and also can't quite believe that the apprentices thought that Mancunians would go for toilet paper for £3 a pack.  £3!).  #idiots

The best bit is always the boardroom at the end (and I always take a bit of pleasure from making toilet flushing noises as Lord Sugar walks in through the door behind the boardroom table, which never gets old yes I know I'm childish).  Then there's the way the contestants get shouted at for repeatedly getting the tasks all wrong and the arguments about who is the best.

It's a bit like having children really, which set me wondering whether Lord Sugar could be missing a trick.  Maybe he should incorporate some typical mum jobs into one of his tasks?

After all, there are loads of skills us mums have which are similar to those required for a business environment.  Maybe the measure of a true apprentice could be determined in the following ways:

1.  Negotiation Skills

Persuading small children to get ready and go to school
"Just go and clean your teeth and then you can have a go on the iPad"

Getting teenagers to do their homework
"Finish your homework, then you can go on the XBox"

Encouraging husbands to finish the decorating
"Listen, just finish painting the walls in the living room and then I'll let you buy a new TV."

That kind of thing.  It's essentially a technology based carrot and stick strategy.

2.  Teamwork

Taking it in turns with your husband or partner to split up sibling rows, return small children to bed and help with homework.  Or, better still, making it look like teamwork because they are doing all that while you are doing the washing up not really, I'm stuffing my face with biscuits behind the closed kitchen door.

3.  Multitasking

Serving breakfast, making packed lunches, finding lost/clean uniform and signing homework diaries all at the same time and in the space of about half an hour, and all while drinking a hot cup of tea (got to make it a bit tricky).  What does hot tea taste like anyway?

4.  Time keeping 

Getting out of the house on time for the morning school run with three children, and making it to the school gate without having to return for forgotten P.E. kits, musical instruments and book bags.

Yes, I know I have issues with this myself, so I'm hardly one to talk, but two mornings this week I have got there not only on time, but before the actual school doors have even been opened!  Two mornings!

5.  Sales Technique 

"Yes you like this meal, it's delicious, and you've had it before"
"Just three mouthfuls and then you can have pudding"
"Eat just a little bit and I will let you have sweets"

Also known as mealtime bribery and corruption.  Easy when you know how.

6.  Damage Limitation/Managing Expectations

"No you cannot have an iPhone 6s for Christmas"
"School trips to New York are not compulsory/will not make you pass your GCSEs with a better grade"
"Father Christmas cannot actually give you Stampy Longnose"

Honestly, it's non stop some days.

Now I come to think about it, Lord Sugar could just cut the middle man completely out of the process by hiring a mum.  And as it happens, I know one who's currently considering a career change.  Maybe he should give me a call...

I bet he would never let me drink a hot cup of tea in peace though.


  1. Parenting is so good pre apprentice training. All of the above plus you've had practice at being woken up suddenly at ridiculous hours of the morning and having to be practical.


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