Thursday, 23 July 2015

The School Holiday Mum Diet

I don't know about you, but we are well into the swing of the school holidays here.

It's going, um, well?...

No, not exactly.  Currently my days are resembling something from Lord of the Flies, with semi naked filthy savages cavorting around the house and generally hunting me down driving me round the twist.  That's just the twins.  The rest of them do at least put their clothes on (which is something of a relief as far as the teen is concerned).

There is another side to the holidays though.  One which until the shrieking and cavorting started, I had completely forgotten about.

The School Holiday Mum Diet.

This isn't the latest fad or even some sort of clever weight loss program that I've invented.  Moreover it's the realisation that only certain foods/beverages can carry me through this six week period, enabling me to remain a (mostly) completely sane human being in charge of other smaller human beings.

Sounds quite good doesn't it?

Well, if you fancy giving it a go, here is a typical daily diet plan (including timings)

7.30 am. Coffee.  Five cups (at least). A must if you are to function after the non sleeping, never tired offspring who didn't let up until about 10.30 pm last night, before finally going to bed.  I know you would have liked more of a lie in (it is the holidays, you know) but this is somehow better and will have you zipping around the kitchen making their breakfast in no time.

9.00 am. Breakfast.  So you've chipped the welded on Weetabix concrete off the kitchen table and cleared away the children's breakfast things.  Time to think about yourself.  That coffee has really kicked in now hasn't it?  Bet you are hungry.  How about bacon, eggs, toast (sliced white bread, which if your husband is anything like mine, has been bought in error), proper butter and some marmalade that you've found at the back of the fridge?  With more coffee (obvs.).  As it cooks, watch the smalls descend on the kitchen thinking it must be lunch time already.  It's confusing for them because they've never actually seen you eat earlier than midday before.  Usually you don't have time for a decent breakfast, what with all the school runs and stuff, but this is the School Holiday Mum Diet, it's all about feeding your face now!

10.30 am. Elevenses (OK I know, it's early). Your mum (or other kind friend or relative) pops round with cake.  Oh no! You think.  Not cake?  You don't eat that.  Never fear fellow School Holiday Mum Dieter! For cake is ON the menu!  Stuff as much into your mouth as you can, washed down with tea, or more coffee.  Whichever.

12.00 pm. Lunch, or is it too early?  No of course not silly!  Sandwiches all round, ham and cheese, mayonnaise, anything you can find in your fridge really.  Shove some Rocket or other healthy looking green things inside yours.  It is important to keep up your intake of fruit and veg after all...

2.00 pm.  A snack (to eat while secretly watching Judge Rinder on the TV in your bedroom instead of refereeing the latest argument over the Xbox). Your kids have some Percy Pigs left by Grandma, as if the M&S chocolate muffins from earlier didn't have quite enough E numbers to send them all soaring into the stratosphere.  There are not enough for you though, so compensate with hobnobs.  By the handful.  More tea or coffee.

3.30 pm. A large small argument breaks out upstairs over Bakugan/My Little Pony/Everything.  To help you cope, stress snack on half a pot of hummus, scooped up with the remains of a pack of so called "gourmet" crackers (really, they've just got rock salt on them).  Inhale them, like your life depends on it.

5.00 pm.  Start prepping something for your children's evening meal.  You can see an unopened bag of Kettle Chips in the cupboard next to the hob.  Don't open them!  Consuming these may tip you over your delicate calorie balance for the day.  Resist.  "Taste" the kid's tea instead if you must.

7.00 pm.  Husband arrives home.  Neck half a bottle of Ros√© (about two large glasses) in half an hour with the relief of finally seeing another adult.  Go on sister!  You can do this!

8.00 pm.  Dinner.  Something crap from the freezer.  With chips.  I mean, who can be arsed after the day you've had?

9.00 pm.  Call it dessert, call it whatever you like.  There are still two Magnums in the back of the freezer.  You had forgotten about those!  They are all yours now...

Repeat.  Tomorrow.  The day after.  The day after that.  Until the beginning of September.

All yours now.

So there you have it.  A diet plan guaranteed to change your figure by at least one dress size in the space of six short (Ha!) weeks.  Upwards.

It's no wonder I've always struggled with my weight in the summer time.  It's obvious that the school holidays are to blame!

Still, I may be fat but at least I'm happy.

You'll have to excuse me now, my children are arguing again and there's a bag of Kettle Chips that has my name on it...


  1. You must of read my mind, because this is precisely what I thought after I saw myself on video the other day. Granted I was in my old maternity top, but I still looked humongous from the neck up too. I think it may be the camembert and baguette holiday treat I'm having 3 out of 7 evenings a week, plus kettle chips, plus cake....

    1. Mmmm, Camembert and baguette you say? You do probably deserve it though. After all these holidays at home with the kids are pretty tough, aren't they? Have a glass of wine next time too and give yourself a gold star for effort. Welcome to my diet club ;)


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