Thursday, 2 July 2015

Elvis's Swan Song

Just when I thought it was over. Just when I thought I was safe. No more summer fairs, the school festival was in the bag, and sports day was long gone. How can I have forgotten about it?  This week something tripped me up.

After the Easter holidays it had come to my attention that everyone in the twins' class had all had the pleasure of the class bear's company once, and so he was doing the rounds again.

Naively I thought we couldn't possibly be chosen. He had already been on a holiday to Spain*, and we had nothing of note planned. Surely we wouldn't be unlucky enough to be picked again?

Then this happened.

Yes, dear readers, Elvis was back.  Complete with five volumes of his further adventures.  Man, can those five year olds write.

Frankly it wasn't just me that had a look of despair on my face. Looking closely at that photo after I had snapped it, Elvis 1.1 seemed to be equally filled with fear, if the expression on his face was anything to go by.

I'm calling him Elvis 1.1 as I do believe that Elvis 1.2 (characterised by the lack of mange on his face) is now in operation. In some of his pictures he looks decidedly chipper and less bedraggled, and so at least one can assume that cleanliness is no longer an issue if the two are being rotated and washed between visits.  The relief.

I digress.

I may have been frightened but he looked more so. Maybe he had good reason?  After all I have been less than kind to him on his adventures with us over the past year. 

I had not only threatened to melt him in my washing machine, but I had turned him into a gambling womaniser AND a gin stealer (he may of course still be all of those things, but I have no actual evidence of this). 

And then, there was the time I had considered photoshopping his face onto Kim Kardashian's arse... Nope, still not going there, especially after watching Kanye's set at Glasto last weekend.  Christ, that ego is worse than my pre-teen's...

When my daughter ran out to me in the playground on Monday evening, proudly showing me how she had been chosen again, I had briefly considered the option of an impromptu family barbecue:

Perhaps I was being too harsh. Maybe it was time to make amends.  We could be friends?  I must admit that I was starting to have a bit of a soft spot for dear old Elvis.

Let's look at what the class bear has actually brought to this family during the twins' time in Reception (aside from suspected dysentery) for a moment.

He has made my boy so so happy

He has shared fun moments with my girl

Look why they've been chosen to look after him in the first place.

For good writing


Looking after butterflies carefully.

(Yup, totally ripped these pictures off the school blog, can I just say their security? Is. Lax.  Might just pop Judge Rinder on speed dial, y'know, in case school decide to sue me).

Elvis isn't such a bad egg after all.

And, we might also consider another reason why he looks so terrified these days.  After all, what exactly happens to the class bear when their class moves up a year?


They get... replaced.  Or, retired.

I had to help him escape.

And so I did what most parents only fantasise about over the course of the school year with such a thing.


I set Elvis free...**

Bye Elvis, it's been fun...

* I'm saying only two words on the subject. Drugs. Mule. 

** I didn't.  Sadly this is also pure fantasy.  Instead I zipped him back up in his rucksack complete with his encyclopaedic adventures and handed him back to the teacher.  I am not completely mental.  FFS, thank GOD that's over.  If you are reading this and you are a Primary school teacher can you please make this madness stop?  Thanks.


  1. Haha, you're hilarious! I just hope the twins teacher reads this, they'll be chuffed to know their reward is so popular! X

    1. Hehe, thanks! I, er, hope she doesn't (why spoil the magic eh?) ;)


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