Thursday, 7 May 2015

Dear Kate, some notes on the future.

Your Royal Highness, or can I call you Kate?

Did you know that we are practically twins?  OK so I know I'm a bored, fat, 40 year old housewife with five children and you are a beautiful Duchess who lives in a palace and definitely has better hair than me (so I am probably the DeVito to your Schwarzenegger in that respect), but we do have something in common.

You see, once I also had just two children, a boy and a girl, born 22 months apart, just like your good self. Congratulations, by the way.  Incidentally I notice how great you looked when you came out of hospital at the weekend.  I just want to say, don't listen to the haters.  I left hospital with a full face of make-up too and nice hair (my hair was better then TBH) and I even mopped the whole of the downstairs of my house two days after the birth while wearing actual clothes! (not pyjamas)  I then spent the next 8 months sobbing and hating myself, so do look after yourself and don't rush things...

Anyway, I suspect you think I'm now going to give you some advice about having two under two?  Well I'm not, and in all honesty its a piece of piss really very straightforward.  I know.  I have done it twice.  Besides, you've already had plenty of advice on that score, which is good.  Although I suspect that anything that relates to buying a double buggy might be a bit redundant, and even if you do have one I would imagine that you'd get a footman to shove it round the palace grounds while you put your feet up for a bit.  Or, does your mum, Carole, do it?  We all know how Grandmas like to push the pram.

No, instead I thought I'd write down a few home truths about what the future might hold for you now that you have a boy and a girl with a two year age gap.

So, what is parenting going to be like when little George and Charlotte are say 14 and 12 years old respectively?  (Like my boy and girl are now, in fact) Well, here are a few handy hints on what to expect.

1.  You might want to consider making sure that their bedrooms are at the opposite ends of the palace.  Why?  Well in our house the 14 and 12 year olds bedrooms are right next to one another.  This means that when they argue (I'm sorry, they are going to argue I'm afraid - they will claim to hate each other) and the doors slam, then the plaster on the wall between the two rooms cracks.  It's a bit irritating when your husband (or royal decorator) has recently painted the hall and stairs back to perfection.  In addition to that, the smell of both Lynx and Impulse mingling together on the landing outside is enough to have anyone reaching for breathing apparatus.  The bonus to this situation is that there simply won't be enough air for any more arguing when this happens.

I would also add, that with a 27 foot hallway between them, the argument of "Oh My God!  She's in my room again!" (which always kicks off the minute you go downstairs for a G&T after having seen with your own eyes that nobody is near anybody else's room) kind of falls flat.  Nobody can run that fast.

2.  Get two of everything.  I mean everything.  Yes, probably Charlotte won't even want an Xbox but that won't stop her telling you that it isn't fair that she doesn't have one in her bedroom when George does.  Just cut out all the debate and get her one anyway.  She will still find something that isn't fair but it won't be that.

3.  Make sure that the royal photographer is shit hot at Photoshop.  And I mean really really good.  Your two children will never ever want to appear in a photograph together once they hit adolescence.  Ever.  They hate each other remember?  And, even if by some miracle you do manage to get them in the same shot, by handcuffing them together perhaps?  They will never smile.  Photoshop is your friend here.

4.  Buy them both an iPhone 17 (or whatever it is by then).  Honestly, if I could afford it I would too, and you can so just do it.  This ensures you will never hear the immortal line, "But all my friends have iPhones and I'm the only one with a crappy HTC - I hate my phone, it's crap" 58 times a day. From both of them. Yes, really.  Seriously, save yourself the earache.

5.  I doubt that you'll ever send George and Charlotte to the same school, but if you do decide to buck the royal trend and send them to the local comp, be warned that regardless of the fact that they leave the school at the same time every day, from the same exit and come back to the same front door, they will never walk home together.  There will in fact be a 10 second delay between the first child arriving home and the second one.  I know this because I have counted.

6.  Finally, the most important one.  If you want them to agree on anything?  Always have more followers than they do on social media (won't be a problem for you I'm sure).  They hate that.  Probably way more than they hate each other.

So Kate, people might tell you that the baby and toddler years are hard but they are a walk in the park compared to the teenage years, believe me.

In fact, if I could give you one piece of advice it would be to cherish these early years.  Because, I really, really miss them...


  1. Love it, love your writing you always make me smile :-) x

  2. I miss those days too.... Mine 18 months apart... Both boys 15 & 16... but at least they walk home from school together.

    1. The toddler years were ace really - shame I didn't appreciate as much as I could have. I'm envious that yours walk home together. I can actually count the ten second gap between the door closing and reopening. It drives me mad!


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