Friday, 8 May 2015

A new member of the family...

Before anyone asks, no, this is not some kind of stealth pregnancy announcement.  If my husband is reading this at work - it's OK, you can relax.  Rather more, it is the realisation that we have recently welcomed a new member of the family - I hadn't even noticed.

He (or she because I'm not sure which) has an unusual sort of name, although it is one that rolls off the tongue all too easily - Not Me.

Even though I have never seen Not Me I know that he or she has been living with us for some time.

Here is the evidence:

A few weeks ago I went into the downstairs loo (or cloakroom if your name is Bellway Homes, although we don't actually own any cloaks, none of the kids got into Hogwarts last year).  There was a telltale warm yellow puddle on the floor right in front of the toilet - marvellous.  "Who used the bathroom last?"  I shouted.  "Not Me!" came three replies.  What's with him?  He might have at least cleared it up...

This probably occurred because Not Me gets very thirsty.  More and more frequently I'm finding that there is no milk left for me to put in my tea.  "Who drank all the milk?".  "Not Me!" says the teen (the teen sees Not Me in the Kitchen a lot to be honest).

Not Me is not very environmentally friendly either.  He wastes energy like there is no tomorrow (clearly missed my husband's lecture on the subject).  He doesn't pay any of the direct debits and therefore doesn't care.  "Who left the light on in your bedroom?"... "Not Me!".

Other things that Not Me does include:

Leaving bags and shoes at the bottom of the stairs (despite them belonging to other people)
Crashing around upstairs so that the ceiling shakes when I am downstairs
Eating handfuls of breakfast cereal straight out of the box (characterised by the large amounts spilled all over the bottom of the kitchen cupboards) so there is none left for breakfast
Leaving taps on in the bathroom (at least he washes his hands I suppose)
Getting streaks of blue hand wash all over my white towels
Leaving muddy footprints on the stair carpet and in the hallway
Leaving wet towels on the floor after a bath (he does this a lot.  It is really bloody annoying)
Getting toothpaste all over the sink and sometimes the floor (once, it was the walls)
Using up all the toilet paper in the bathrooms and not replacing it - it isn't that hard a job FFS!

Who did this? Oh, wait...

You get the idea, the list goes on and on.  He is a greedy, incontinent and wasteful pain in the arse. I wish he didn't live with us.

Only, the last few days I haven't seen or heard much about Not Me.  Maybe he has left after all?

Instead we have a new visitor - Don't Know...

...who loses things a lot.

Have you ever had any similar visitors?


  1. Ha ha - we have NOT ME, DUNNO, DON'T KNOW. Everything gets blamed on poor Alice because she is the middle child ha ha :) x

    1. Hehe, just wait until she's old enough to argue back, you'll get a whole host of new people to blame! Kids eh?

  2. We haven't met 'not me' yet but we frequently encounter 'I didn't meanit' who is a right nasty sod who definitely does mean it when he pokes/hits/throws something.
    Not me sounds like a little monkey though, can you serve him notice?

    1. I didn't mean it sounds a bit trying. I think he may have visited our house a few times until Not Me moved in. He definitely has the monopoly on everything that goes wrong now - I may have to show him the door. ;)

  3. Aha! We have someone called not me living with us

  4. Another fab post, you make me laugh, x

  5. haha Philippa this is brilliant! I say that a lot to my boyfriend actually when he accuses me of doing/not doing something...I'm such a child. Fab post and well done for the Mumsnet mention. xx


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