Monday, 27 October 2014

The Parenting Criminal

The idea of becoming a parent always seemed so lovely to me.  Walks in the park with a pram (the sun would of course always be shining), endless days teaching my children new things and cooking them tasty and nutritious meals that they would eat without complaint.  It would be brilliant being a Mum.  That was until it actually happened.  Now I realise that the main thing that parenting has done for me is to turn me into a really good liar, a criminal even.

In fact, I am a parenting criminal.

I've committed so many parenting crimes that its a wonder my children haven't all booked themselves into therapy already.  Some crimes stem from a very heavy dose of CBA (that's Can't Be Arsed), for which I make no apologies (because I CBA), others are largely mistakes - I am only human after all.

So, for your amusement, I thought I'd list some of the crimes I've committed against my poor children:

Told them that the ingredients of a meal didn't contain their least favourite food when it did.

"What's that?  Potatoes?  No, those aren't potatoes."
"Onions?  No, not onions either."
"Those are (insert name of some other unspecified vegetable that they've never heard of). "

Yes I confess I've done this often.  There is nothing more annoying than, having created a meal from mere ingredients all by yourself, a child turning their nose up at it without even trying it.  I want them to eat it so I lie.  They'll thank me in later life when they realise what a diverse and amazing diet they really had as kids.

Told them that there are no custard creams left when really I'm saving them for myself.

All I want, just once is to be able to have a custard cream with my cuppa.  Is that too much to ask?  IS IT!!??  Apparently so because every time I go to get one from the tin I find that the locusts children have beaten me to it.  So I've started hiding them and pretending that they have already been eaten.  That'll learn them.

Dressed a child in hand-me downs (even the pants).

Yeah *sharp intake of breath* I know.  The thing with children is that they grow so quickly, so sensibly I save any good clothes for their younger siblings to wear.  Also, have you seen how many pairs of pants you get through when potty training them?  So, it only seemed natural to me to save some of the pants too, after all like anything child related, they cost actual money.  If my teen is reading this then, yes, your pants were bought just for you, but your two brothers?  Less so...

Pretended that I'd forgotten to book tickets for the school barbecue/play when I just didn't want to go. 

OK so probably this is terrible.  It is.  In my defence the thing you have to understand is that sometimes school plays are really really long, like 3 hours (yes, really) and there are only so many of them that I can sit through (I feel, after having two children through Primary school already, I have served my time in this respect).  Similarly, the queues at the school barbecue (aptly named) are huge.  At the end of which all you get is a cremated burger and some "salad".  I begrudge the school for making us parents queue up like Oliver Twist for the opportunity to eat a meal with our kids.  Even if it is only once a year.  We've stopped going.  Even the kids don't really seem that bothered.

Given up Tumble Tots/Gym class because I was fed up of it (the kids loved it).

Conjunctivitis 8 weeks in a row anybody?  Self indulgent first time parents?  Bossy over-zealous staff?  All of the above.  I could have been hot-housing the next Louis Smith/Beth Tweddle but I'd rather not have any of the social anxiety or health issues that appear to go with it thank you very much.

Told a child that their arm was probably fine after they fell off their scooter and hurt it (it was broken and needed setting under general anaesthetic).

This is the biggy.  This alone could have me in parenting prison for the rest of my life.  I would like to mention here that DD1 was brushing her teeth using that same arm only hours after the accident happened.  It didn't look that bad.  I have had two broken wrists myself and they looked broken and really really hurt at the time.  She on the other hand didn't even cry but her arm did look a bit wibbly.  How were we supposed to know?  The following morning DH took her to A&E, phoning me half an hour later to tell me that she was going to be operated on to straighten her very broken arm.  They also had to wait 4 hours first because I'd fed her breakfast.  Oops.  Sorry about that DD1.  *Holds out arms ready for hand-cuffs*.

So there you have it.  Parenting crimes at their best.  Lock me up and throw away the key!


  1. Heehee! Haven't we all done the biscuit thing?! My mum also did the "your arm's fine" to my little sister when she broke her arm. And thanks for the pants confession - have been bagging up eldest's clothes ready for when her little sister needs them and I felt a bit bad keeping hand-me-down pants for her. You have made me feel better about that now :-)

    1. Oh, yes recycle those pants! After all their fate will remain the same when potty training. The broken arm was terrible though, still feel bad about that...

  2. We had handmedown pants from youngest cousin but they did look immaculate. Let's face it, most parents chuck the really grim ones/accidents, so the ones that are left will be fine if boil washed and passed on. I also gave N's ones that he'd grown out of (mostly because he refused to potty train until he was past 3). Not sure I'd buy second hand ones I didn't know who they were from, but family. Not a problem!

    And I'm sure I'll be doing quite a few of your other 'crimes' at some point too.


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