Monday, 2 June 2014

A Pre-Schooler's Guide to Half Term

(by DS3, aged 4)

Day 1

Breakfast - make sure that you use all of the milk with your cereal in the morning, leaving the smallest drop in the bottom of the milk jug.  Encourage a sibling to help you if necessary.  That way mum will have a nice surprise when she comes to pour some into her freshly made mug of coffee and finds that there isn't nearly enough.  You can use this tactic to break her down as she will need to go to the shop for more (or send a teenage sibling if you have one).  This in turn will mean that she has to either bribe the teen or you with sweets in order to get the milk bought, or go without.  Which is better, kids on a sugar rush, or a day without caffeine?

Day 2 

If your Mum or Dad tell you that you need to wear a hat and gloves in winter then why not do it in summer too?  If its even the slightest bit rainy insist on wearing wooly mittens to do everything.  I mean EVERYTHING.  It doesn't matter that it is May and that you are indoors.  You may find it tricky to use an iPad without temporary removal of the mittens - if you really have to use the iPad then make sure you stuff the mittens down the sofa so far that they cannot be retrieved.  Then cry until they are.  A lot.

Day 3

If you have siblings with an Xbox (or a daddy, this works with them too) insist that today the Xbox belongs to you.  Throw even the mildest tantrum when anyone but you picks up the controller and suggests a game.  Make sure that you play Minecraft (widely acknowledged as the most irritating game in history by all the grown ups).  If you let a sibling play with you make sure that you argue with them.  The louder the better.  Feel extra pleased with yourself when Mum threatens to "put the damn thing on Ebay".

Day 4

Have a relatively normal day.  Be polite and pleasant to everyone.  Lull them all into a false sense of security by claiming that you are too tired.  Have a sofa day.

Then.  When they are all settled for the evening, get out of bed.  Prance around at the top of the stairs screaming and giggling and play knock-a-door run on your older sibling's bedroom doors.  This usually gets them annoyed.  When they start shouting too it will have the added advantage of eating into Mum's gin time because she'll have to come upstairs to tell everyone off.  When everyone is settled do it again.  Repeat as necessary.

Day 5

Last day of the holidays, you are nearly at the weekend.  The disadvantage of this is that with two parents available to police you, you may not be able to get away with quite so much, so make today count.

Ok so Mum has messed up your routine all week.  Its payback time!  You know how mums appreciate the holidays when they don't have to get up and take you to Pre-School.  They will probably be savouring their last available lie in by now.  Get up extra early.  Make sure all available siblings are awake too by repeatedly shouting their names until they answer you.  Then, demand to go downstairs and have your breakfast.  Mum will give in immediately because she will be fed up of the noise.  She will grumble and have to drink lots of coffee so, for a laugh, repeat Day 1 again.

There.  The perfect range of activities for the half term break, ensuring that you will get to do, eat and behave however you want.  For added tension you might also try mentioning how much you want to go to Cbeebies Land every time the advert appears on the TV (which is a lot).  Mum might get so frightened that you will repeat all of the above continually throughout the entire six weeks of the summer holidays that she will eventually crack oblige in purchasing the tickets.  Hooray!  Half term is really great!

How was your holiday?


  1. This is so funny, love the 'prancing at the top of the stairs playing knock & run' haha.

    1. Thank you, I'd be laughing too but sadly it is all true... *reaches for gin*


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