Monday, 7 April 2014

Dear Mumsnet...

Dear Mumsnet

For ten years now you have been my companion through motherhood.

You have never steered me wrong, or so I thought.

You have supported me through pregnancy and twin birth (I couldn't have done that without your advice).

Told me which pushchair to buy, which Amazon lightning deals are the best.

Introduced me to Green & Blacks and Lakeland, told me that I must cut pizza with the kitchen scissors (it really works!) and given me awesome recipes for cake.

You've even made me understand why there are those little pushy in bits at the ends of the cling film boxes - who knew!

I have delighted at such classic threads as Mad Tablecloth Lady, The Mumsnet Rhapsody (skaramoosh, skaramoosh!  Will you drink your bloody Tango!) and not forgetting the River of Sweetcorn.

Thanks to the Shopping List thread we now buy "Daytime Wine".

You see, Mumsnet, you are like the big sister I never had, always giving me the sound advice I need to get through family life with a smile on my face and a Boden Breton top in my wardrobe.

Even big sisters sometimes play tricks on their siblings though.

We used to be closer, and I visited you every day, but these days I am too busy for that. We still keep in touch, only by email mainly.  I look forward to these emails - they alert me to those must have shoes, the perfect pair of jeans, that miracle beauty product that will make me look ten years younger (I can live in hope!).

Opening my Mumsnet Swears By email a few weeks ago I was excited to see another food recommendation.  Not just any food but a spread made out of actual biscuits!  I felt like all my Christmases had come at once!

I squealed with happiness when I spied a jar of the "crack spread" in my local supermarket (tbh dh thought I'd lost it at this point - although he thanks you for the cling film trick that's about his limit I think).

Remembering its awesome power (and calorie content) I decided to hide the jar until the perfect moment.  Then, Friday night came and everyone was asleep (even dh was snoozing in his armchair), the spread was calling me...

Loading it onto a slice of particularly nice bread I took my first bite...

...and my last.

Seriously?  Wrong.  Just wrong.

You know when babies eat rusks and then dribble up rusky dribble onto their bibs?  It was as if somebody had scraped a million rusky dribble bibs (plus the bits off the babies hands) and then put the resulting goo into a jar.  Then sold it to me.

This may have been some sort of early April Fools trick.  I am sure someone is laughing somewhere (possibly the makers of Lotus spread).

My children say they like it, but that's no recommendation because they eat anything.

Mumsnet, you will still be an influence in my life - without you how would I decide if IABU?

For now, I feel cheated, not just of the £1.79 Tesco charged me to sample this "delight", but also because you have wronged me. You have a lot of making up to do.

So, I'm off to make some of SuzyWong's chocolate brownies (remember them?) while singing the Mumsnet Rhapsody and drinking daytime wine.  That way I can blot out this biscuity disaster remember all the good times we had.

Anybody want a slightly used jar of Lotus Caramelised Biscuit Spread?

Hell in a jar - All you need is a jar of this, some bread
(and a stronger stomach than me)


  1. ha ha brilliant.
    I have wanted to try this for ages as i have only heard glowing reviews, however i think it sounds disgusting so thanks for confirming my views :)

    1. You are welcome, it is the devils spread, I tell you!

  2. lol.
    I'm so relieved I spotted this, as I was tempted in Sainsbury's last week, but as it was quite a bit more expensive than Tesco's £1.79 I refrained...and am now relieved after reading this.

  3. I LOVE this stuff, but it's not great on bread. Did you try just eating a sponful...?

  4. My mum told it was basically chewed up speculoos and I couldn't enjoy it again without thinking about saliva mixed with biscuit crumbs. I'm sticking with Nutella!

    1. Wise choice, it has the same mouth-feel as peanut butter but is not nearly as nice. Don't even get me started on how it looks when it melts over hot toast...

  5. Ha ha ha, I love those biscuits but cannot conceive of why you'd want them in spreadable form! Love this post!

  6. Thank you! The biscuits are quite nice with a cup of coffee I agree.

  7. Ha ha lol I'll stay clear and stick to the peanut butter!!
    I'm very interested in "daytime wine" though and intrigued by the clingfilm x

    1. Good decision! The clingfilm - if you push in the end tabs on either side of the box it stops the clingfilm from jumping out when you try to tear it. I think daytime wine may deserve a post all of its own, you'll have to look out for it!

  8. I don't think I could eat anything called 'crack spread'. Daytime Wine perhaps. Please elaborate. Trying not to gag over the thought of eating soggy babies bibs, saliva and biscuit goo altogether.

    1. Yes, I really don't know why it appealed to me. The power of MN eh? As I said above, I plan on elaborating on daytime wine at a later date - it seems to be a popular request!

  9. Ha ha this made me laugh. I didn't fancy this, however I think that Daytime Wine makes this all better :) x


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