Thursday, 18 February 2016

My best-selling book pitch

Have you ever opened up your Amazon homepage to find all sorts of random books in the "recommended for you" section?  Well, that's what happened to me recently, only all the books were parenting ones based, I think, on the fact that during a period of complete desperation I once bought a copy of Toddler Taming from them.  Either that, or the kids had been playing with my laptop again and were maybe trying to tell me something?

But one thing that struck me is that most best selling parenting books seem to concentrate on the ages 0-5, and then?  Nothing.

We all know the baby and toddler years are a piece of cake (they totally are, sorry) - the teen years are far harder (ha! understatement of the century) and so I thought that it was time that I pitched a few of my ideas for parenting books for teens to any prospective literary agents that might be reading.  Plus it's the school holidays and I'm a bit bored.

Here goes...

The Contented Little Teenager Book - Includes advice on how to use the Cry it Out technique for when you've turned the wifi off or suggested a nice long family walk.  Get your teen sleeping through in 10 weeks? Don't be silly, get them waking you with a perfectly made coffee every morning in five.  Oh, and toilet training?  Yes - how to ensure your teen replaces the empty loo roll every time.  It's what every parent dreams of and deserves.

Contented teenagers and cups of coffee? #winning


How to talk so anyone will listen, and listen so anyone will talk - Ahh, the teenage years - a wall of silence one minute, and the next? You can't get a word in They are talking utter nonsense.  How do you get anyone in your household to communicate effectively?  Find out with my book, which uses the "Be quiet for one second about the new games that are coming out on the XBox, have you done your bloody homework yet?" plan for crystal clear communication with your teen.  Also answers such perplexing questions as "why is it they can't hear when I yell up the stairs for 10 minutes at full volume to tell them their tea is ready, but when we are even attempting really really quiet "parent sex" I then get all sorts of funny teenage looks and sniggering the following day?" *. 

Teenager Taming (a Parents' guide to the final five years) - Many parents cannot believe it when their child turns from a happy go lucky helpful and cheerful child into a teenager.  What does one do when faced with the aftermath of a Super Noodle explosion in their kitchen, or a sudden aversion to using soap from your child?  Follow my handy advice in this easy to read (in between picking up their dirty socks from the floor and running them to and from friends houses in your car) book which will give you the low down on getting your teen from Kevin-esque status to functioning member of the human race.

Not another Super Noodle explosion in the kitchen?!


What to expect when your teenager's expecting - Hahaha!  DON'T even go there!  A detailed plan on how to put the fear of god into your teen so that they/you never end up in this situation (so help me God).

The Complete Pre-Teen and Teenage Meal Planner - Annabel may have the monopoly on feeding your baby but here is my simple step by step guide on how to wean your teenager off McDonalds and Dominos and enjoying home cooked family meals once more.  What is the correct teenager to Super Noodle ratio needed to write the perfect family shopping list?  Includes a fold out section with illustrations for your teen on useful skills such as boiling a kettle, using a toaster and stacking the dishwasher.  You're welcome.

I am sure there are more (I've got to keep some things back for potential sequels).  I've always wanted to write a book and as the teens say, YOLO and all that...

Literary peeps, if you're reading this, call me?  Maybe?


*  I *think* the answer might be "have really noisy kitchen sex" but don't quote me on that...

6 comments:

  1. hahaha! This made me laugh out loud...Teens are hard work!
    I threaten to turn the Wi-Fi off and my teen will do anything I ask of her. lol

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    1. Hehe, thank you! They are very hard work aren't they? The wifi threat is standard in this house too... ;)

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  2. Haha love this. I'm terrified for when my threenager hits the actual teens.
    (Having said that, I'd probably cry if the wifi was turned off for any length of time too!)
    Really funny post :) xx

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    1. Hehe, they don't just cry - they threaten to leave home! You've got a while yet before yours reaches this stage though, so enjoy! xx

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  3. I love this so much! You have summed up so much of the reality of teenagers.
    Let us know how the 'really noisy kitchen sex' goes...

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    1. Ahem - I didn't say I was going to actually try it out ;) besides, I'd probably trip and injure myself on a super noodle explosion or something!..

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