Friday, 23 October 2015

Life Cycle of a School Bean Plant, Mum Style

Everybody knows I have a terrible track record with growing plants and generally keeping them alive OK I kill stuff.  If you don't, then please feel free to read my woes on raising a sunflower earlier in the year here.

This week though, things changed somewhat.

A few weeks back, the twins were sent home with more random pots of soil.



I despaired.  They were never going to grow under my care.

But then something rather unexpected happened.

A bean actually sprouted and turned into what can only be described as a green shoot!

I immediately shared my joy over on Facebook...


I have totally become an expert in how to grow things, it would seem.

And so, because of this miraculous event I am now completely qualified to share with you my tips and tricks, aka, the Life Cycle of the School Bean Plant, Mum style.

1.  Expectation

Will it grow or won't it?  Meh, bung it on the windowsill and pray.  Ignore your child's helpful comments (particularly if they mention watering it 44 times a day).  Maybe a bit of water?  Or was that too much?

You wonder what the winning plant grower will get this time... Chocolate?  A big bottle of Gin?  Weekend away?

2.  Worry

"You did plant a seed in there didn't you?" you say to your child.  Of course they did.  This plant is going to go exactly the same way as all the others isn't it? In the bin.

3.  What is that?

There might just be a shoot, yes, I see it!  Can you see it?

4.  Nothing to see here...

Nope.  Must have been your imagination.  There's nothing there.  Slosh on a bit more water for good measure.

5.  Result!!!!

There it is, a shoot, a ruddy shoot!  Call children excitedly to show them how immensely talented a gardener you are.

One child is ecstatic, you can ignore the fact that the other is now wailing in the corner of the kitchen because their pot of soil is still, well, a pot of soil.

6.  Fear and Trepidation

Your child threatens "Don't kill it, Mummy" and her scowl makes you feel a little bit sick with fear.

She can be quite frightening *gulp*

Can you keep the bloody thing alive?  You have never got this far in the plant growing process before.  How do you get it to grow more leaves?  Move it around the house onto every windowsill with the tiniest bit of sunlight, and water it, again.

7.  Confidence

You've totally got this, now.  Haven't you?  Of course you have.  You're an expert.  Swan around the school playground safe in the knowledge that you've won the battle of the bean growing competition, this time. Don't take your eye off the ball (or the prize) for a second.

8.  Panic

Is there a black spot on that leaf?  B*gger, it is.  The soil smells a bit. Funny?  Have you over watered it?  Is the bean now rotting?

Sh*t.

Your child will hate you.  You have failed.  You useless excuse for a parent, you.

9.  Relax

There appear to be leaf nodules (that's a technical term for all you non-gardeners out there) on the bean stalk.  There will probably be a giant right at the top of it by morning.

You are absolutely winning this thing.  You wonder when you need to take your prize winning plant back into school to show all the losers other parents?

10.  Disappointment

You have been duped.  There is no actual competition this time.  Nobody is winning a bean anything.  FFS.

The one time you manage to grow something and there is no sweet prize at the end?

It turns out that the children have been learning about life cycles in school and the bean was part of that (you should have read the email, idiot).

This sucks.  And you also have two pots of stinking soil and a stupid bean plant on the kitchen windowsill getting in the way to care for.

You wait a few days until the children forget about them.

Then put the pots in the bin.

End.

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