Stay at home mum? I hear you say. The dream, surely?
Well yes, I have enjoyed my time at home raising children, immeasurably, but no, not the dream. Not at all.
You see, this was only supposed to be temporary. Maternity leave in late 2000 and then back to work.
DS1 was very ill when he was born. So ill that I decided I just couldn't leave him. After weeks of sitting by his bedside praying for him not to die, why on earth wouldn't I want to spend all the time I could with him? I didn't want to hand him over to a stranger just so that I could go and sit in an office missing him. So. I didn't.
I appreciate I was very lucky that we could afford to do that. I didn't give a second thought to my career. Instead I suppose you could say that I protected myself with more babies, more time.
Twins. Redundancy. Belt tightening. (No different to anyone else really)
We are treading water. It isn't a terrible position to be in, but with five children at school I could be doing so much more with my time. Going back to work would benefit my whole family, not just me.
"But Mummies don't work!" Says my daughter. She is five and I've already set an example. The wrong example. Guilt.
I want her to be proud of me. I want to be more than a mummy. I want another title too.
So here I am. On paper well qualified. Willing, but out of practice.
Applying for jobs has moved on so much in the last 15 years and I'm caught like a rabbit in the headlights.
Where on earth do I begin? Flitting from website to website. There are jobs I know I could do but then there's that pesky gap in my CV.
Who am I kidding? It isn't a gap, it's a chasm.
And anyway, what if I'm not good enough? What if nobody wants me?
What if I'm looking at the wrong sort of jobs?
I need that man from the Reed advert to crash through my ceiling, point at me and shout "beekeeper!" or something*.
I know this isn't going to be instant, I know that it isn't going to be easy, but I also know that I'm going to need some help.
I just hope I haven't left it too late.
* I don't want to be a beekeeper, a more office based role will do.