Thursday, 4 June 2015

It's Hot, Hot, Hot! - a pre and post children guide

So, the weather is finally getting better.  You may even be starting to call it summertime.  On the television yesterday there was talk of a heatwave over the weekend, although they were probably referring to London, after all, the rest of the country doesn't even feature on daytime TV.  Up here in the North West this forecast means a balmy temperature of 18 or 19 degrees and my mother constantly comparing it to the summer of '76, (which I can't remember as I was only two and we lived in Scotland at the time so it was more than likely a perfectly acceptable temperature for that time of year anyway). Still, we mustn't grumble. Instead, let's get prepared for the sunshine with my handy comparison/guide to dealing with the increase in temperature, pre and post children.

Clothing

Pre Children:  Oooh, it's summer!  Let's go shopping and spend half a month's salary on new clothes, bikinis and sandals - you're going to need them, not only for the warm weather in this country but also for the amazing holiday you've booked yourself abroad later on in the year (off peak and cheap!).

Post Children:  Oh, bugger.  The weather's getting warmer.  Blow half a (pre-baby salary) month's wages on your credit card in Baby Gap and M&S Children's Wear so that the kids looks their best/are on trend/have a different outfit every day for a week.  Spend more money that you don't really have on pointless essentials they'll never wear like Baby Banz sunglasses (with matching train shaped case and hat) and Clarks Doodles with a cute pattern on.  Does their swimming costume still fit?  Do they even need swimming costumes?  When you are not going on holiday ever again this year?  Really?

Sun Protection 

Pre Children:  Perusing the shelves at Boots you ponder the wide selection of expensive sun oils that promise sun kissed golden brown skin.  Choose one (you don't even look at the price) and buy it.

Post Children:  How high a factor sun cream is it possible to buy?  Is there one that ensures milk white skin in temperatures higher than the legendary summer of '76?  Good.  Buy that one, never mind the fact that it's thicker than cream cheese and a b**stard to apply (if your children will stand still long enough, that is), as long as it's less than a tenner.  Buy several more for all the childcare establishments that require labelled bottles for each child.  Don't bother with anything for yourself. Nobody will care if you are sunburnt or not - not even you. You probably won't be in the sun long enough anyway.

Leisure activities

Pre Children:  It's Saturday.  Grab a sun lounger, put on your new bikini and get out into the sunshine so that you can start off your tan.  Spend the whole day there.  Have lunch in the garden, have a bottle glass of wine.  You can put it right next to the sun lounger, on the ground.  Safely.

Post Children:  A day out at an overpriced theme park or a day spent in the back garden with the sprinkler on for the children to run in and out of? (Channelling your own childhood here). Get DH to mow the grass, he might even put the paddling pool up, if bribed with a cold beer.  Yeah!  This will be great!  Spend most of the afternoon breaking up fights over the paddling pool and who splashed who, or picking grass cuttings from your saturated lawn off the wet feet of the smalls because they "don't like it mummy!".

The theme park option might have been better, only at least when you are at home there is wine...

DON'T put your glass of wine down anywhere - no matter how safe you think it is a child will knock it over and smash it with a football.

On the plus side, rejoice in the amount of laundry you'll be able to get washed and dry on the line in less than a day!  #winning

Food

Pre Children:  there's nothing much in the fridge but that doesn't matter because you aren't really very hungry anyway.  Maybe you'll make yourself a sandwich later.  In the meanwhile open another bottle of wine.

Post Children:  everyone is hungry.  They want a barbecue.  This involves 27 trips to the supermarket for the right type of sausages, burgers, buns (with involves an actual bun fight with another barbecue crazed mum), relishes and seven types of salad that nobody will eat.  You are required to cook it all and then do the washing up while they all continue to have fun outside.  Unlike the pre-child you, your freezer will be fully stocked, if by fully stocked you mean eight boxes of Iceland's finest pretend Cornettos (six for 89p, by the way, what's not to like?) and Magnums.  Ice cream and children go hand in hand to the point where you are bulk buying ice pops and rocket lollies at the mearest sniff of a warm breeze creeping accross from the Mediterranean Sea.

Dealing with the hot summer nights

Pre Children:  Stay outside in your garden until late.  Very, very late.  With wine.  You can even invite other adults to share in the late night garden wine drinking perfection.  After that, go to bed, with the windows open.  In the nude.  Sleep well.  Wake up refreshed the following day.

Post Children:  Don't drink wine in the garden.  You'll need to stay inside the house in the hot oppressive temperatures to attend to your children who will all find every excuse in the world available not to go to sleep.  "I need a drink". "It's too hot to sleep".  Open the windows to lower the temperature and they'll want them shut "in case of burglars". Don't go to bed naked because you need to get up in the night to get "more water, please" because it's too hot...

Be hot, be tired, have the worst nights sleep ever.



Ah, the summertime, don't you just love it?  

Pass me that box of Magnums and the Factor 50, I'm off to do the washing... *sigh* ;)

2 comments:

  1. Haha - I love it! We had a really hot Summer in England the year I was pregnant with Noah (it was actually a record hot Summer, not just because I was pregnant...heh). I thought I was going to die without having air conditioner. How does this happen, says the spoiled American inside me?? I took lots of cold baths (like, several every day) to stay cooled off, and everything you've mentioned here sounds very familiar!

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    1. Yes this is proof that Americans really do know how to build houses that stay cool in the summer compared to us Brits. I remember that summer too - the twins were tiny and hot and sticky and it made me grumpy having to keep two babies covered in sunscreen all day. Bleurgh. I hate the heat but it was far easier without children! ;)

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